Another Round Bites the Dust

As you can guess from the title of this post, IUI #2 didn't give us our miracle. I didn't have high hopes, no symptoms until 12 days after my IUI. By then I knew it was probably just AF (Aunt Flow) getting ready to make her monthly, unwanted visit. Luckily I had family and my little sisters wedding to keep my mind occupied until the had my HCG test (preg test).
For some reason, hearing the nurse tell me what I already knew threw me for a loop. I have been in the worst funk, probably the worst since starting this journey. Normally I am upset for a day, maybe two, not this time. I was a wreck for over a week. My poor husband had to deal with a wife who couldn't stop crying for an entire week. Thank heaven, he is the world's best husband!
We are just about to do our  3rd and final IUI this next week. I am praying that this is the last time I have to think about infertility. If  my eggs and his sperm can't play nice, then it is IVF for us. Knowing that this is the last shot has given me the worst anxiety. I have been going through my mind all of the possible scenarios that could happen. My biggest fear is that this will put us in an enormous amount of debt, and we will have to live in a cardboard box under the freeway! A little overboard I know, but this type of thing is what keeps me awake at night. I just pray that whatever happens, I will feel at peace with it. Only time will tell, and let me just say that I am over this waiting game.

Here I go again

IUI #2 has come and gone and I'm still alive to talk about it. Just like last time, everything has gone smoothly. I have felt great on the medications and am still feeling positive about things. I went in for my u/s on a fri and the NP thought I may have already ovulated, which would mean I would need to do my IUI that day. She wasn't sure though, it could also be a ruptured cyst. She had me get my blood drawn to check my progesterone levels, and would call me later that day. Well this would be all fine and dandy, except I was working the new 3 days (12 hour shift). Lucky for me I have an amazing friend who was willing to disrupt her whole day and come in for me if I needed her to. Thank heavens my blood work came back fine (actually low) and I didn't need her.
I did my trigger shot Sun. morning (man I hate those), and headed off to work. I went in Mon afternoon and had my IUI done. Just like last time, it was no big deal.  Now comes the dreaded TWW!!! I think it will go by pretty quickly this time. My youngest sister if getting married next week, and I have a ton of family in town to entertain me. I am hoping it'll all work out. Either way, I know my time will come.Until then I have been enjoying every minute I have with my sweet nieces that are on vacation at my house.


XOXO

Turning Over a New Leaf

Today I am singing a completely different tune than I was a few weeks ago. IUI #1 went down without a hitch. I went in on May 26th for my IUI. I was a little nervous even though I was aware of what to expect. I made Adam go into the room with me (he was less than pleased to be there), hoping that would help calm my nerves. It didn't, it actually made them worse. Not only was a worrying about trying to will the impossible to happen, I was also trying to make sure he wasn't weirded out by the whole thing. I expecting one of the nurse practitioners to preform the IUI, but it was actually one of the other Dr. That made me feel a little better for come reason (the NP's have all been really knowledgeable about everything when I have seen them, so I don't know why I was nervous).  The actual IUI wasn't any worse than a pap smear. Once the speculum was placed, I didn't even feel a thing. It was done before I could count to 10. After, they made me lay there for 15 min. for good luck. Easy peasy!

After 2 very long weeks, I went in for my blood test. Just as I suspected once again, I was not pregnant. During that 2 weeks I was trying to figure out a better way to deal with all of the emotions and frustrations. I found a few books and started reading hoping they could help me make since of everything. The second one I read was called "Infertility: Help, Hope and Healing", by Kerstin Daynes. This was the answer I had been looking for. She has been through the process of infertility and did a lot of soul searching during her treatments. It helped me realize that I'm not going through this to be punished. It has given me some tools to try and look on the bright side of things. I have let this turn me into a bitter and angry person. This is not who I am.

 Infertility is not a "death" sentence. Infertility does not define me. I have to learn how to be me in spite of infertility. I have to learn not to let it consume my life. For once, I have hope. I didn't break down after I got the results that again, I wasn't pregnant. I am learning to live my life again. I am learning that infertility will always be a part of me, a part I want to remember. I have a long way to go to get back to who I was before we started this journey. I know that I can do it. I am exciting to try again next month and hope that we can beat the odds. I am grateful for all of the" tender mercies" Heavenly Father has given me these past few weeks. Here's to turning over a new leaf!  

Disappointment

Warning.... This is a jumble of thought and emotions that probably doesn't make since to anyone but me. Read on if you feel like you can crack crazy code.
Disappointing is the only way to describe today! Back the train up a few weeks... I went in to have a follow up with my Dr. after our failed attempt last month. Just as I suspected she said we need to move on to IUI (intrauterine insemination). I was expecting that and it was what I was ready to do. I had my baseline ultrasound and everything looked great. She started me on a new rx (Femera) that would hopefully have less side effects.  Fast forward... I've had next to zero side effects from the medication.  I have felt almost normal for the past month!The plan was to go in for an ultrasound (u/s) today and hopefully IUI sat or sunday. I went in for my follicle scan today, they are not even close to mature. My Dr. put me on a higher dose of the medication for the next 5 days, then back again next friday for another u/s.
I was also so excited to start our new insurance last month, because they cover diagnostic u/s which would save us a bundle each month. Well, because of the code the Dr. uses, my insurance won't cover them. I am not too surprised, just disappointed.
Going through the journey of infertility is a roller coaster ride to say the least. I have learned that it's ok to be mad, frustrated, happy, annoyed, indifferent and everything in between. It's ok to hate everyone around you that seems to get pregnant without even trying, as long as you realize that it's not their fault. Your time will come, and you will be just as annoying as all of those women you despise some days. Infertility tests your patience, endurance, emotions and even your insanity. Some days I even wonder if it is all worth it? Is is worth the stress, tears and heartbreak? Then a new day comes and think, of course it is! Every stress and disappointment only means that my joy will be so much greater than everything I've had to endure.
 Disappointment is really the only way to describe how I feel today. I just have to remind myself that we still have a shot at this. Tomorrow is a new day, but today, I am just going feel the way I feel.

Round 3

Well, just as I suspected round 3 was a bust. Follicles looked good, did my trigger shot and surprisingly I have felt really good for the last 2 weeks. I had my blood test and Friday and just knew it would be neg. I have an appointment Wed to meet with my Dr. and figure out what the next step is. I am wanting to move onto IUI and hopefully this will be our magic cure.
On a good note, my amazing husband just graduated from the University of Utah with his Masters degree Friday. He is awesome and does so much for me! Having something to celebrate made my test results seem a little less daunting. Now I am just waiting for AF to show her ugly head so we can continue on this crazy journey. I'm sure I'll have an update in a few days. Until next time...

Another one bites the dust.

 I always have such a hard time sleeping the night before appointments. I went in for a follicle scan yesterday, hoping for good results. Things looked not too bad, but my follicles weren't as big as they needed to be. They would like them to be over 18 to make sure that they are mature and can be fertilized. She also gave me an Rx for some estrogen pills to try and make the lining in my uterus thicker. One of the side effects of Clomid is it can thin the lining of the uterus over time. I need a nice thick place for my little pea to grow. So all in all my apt was OK.
 I go back again tomorrow for another scan to make sure that my follicles are big enough and can hopefully do my trigger shot. My side effects from the clomid don't seem as bad this time around. I have the added bonus of the estrogen side effects and most likely the trigger shot side effects. It will all be worth it when our little miracle happens.
If it's not a successful cycle this time around, I think we are going to op for IUI (intrauterine insemination) the next go round. I seem to be handling things a lot better this month. hopefully I will continue to be in control of my emotions. On a good note, we just switched insurances and they should cover my ultrasounds. That is the best news we've had since starting this journey. I just have to keep reminding myself that 2013 is our year!

Set backs

Well this month didn't go as well as I had hoped. U/s was beautiful and everything looked right on track. My body had other ideas,I ended up with a bad case of Bronchitis with really put a damper in things. I was hoping everyday that I would feel better and be able to continue on with our plan, but I actually was feeling worse. We decided to bag it this month and hope that next month is better. I had a really hard time at first thinking how much money we had put into this and it was all going to be a big waste. Luckily I have the worlds best husband who can put anything into perspective. Hoping for better vibes this next time around.