Turning Over a New Leaf

Today I am singing a completely different tune than I was a few weeks ago. IUI #1 went down without a hitch. I went in on May 26th for my IUI. I was a little nervous even though I was aware of what to expect. I made Adam go into the room with me (he was less than pleased to be there), hoping that would help calm my nerves. It didn't, it actually made them worse. Not only was a worrying about trying to will the impossible to happen, I was also trying to make sure he wasn't weirded out by the whole thing. I expecting one of the nurse practitioners to preform the IUI, but it was actually one of the other Dr. That made me feel a little better for come reason (the NP's have all been really knowledgeable about everything when I have seen them, so I don't know why I was nervous).  The actual IUI wasn't any worse than a pap smear. Once the speculum was placed, I didn't even feel a thing. It was done before I could count to 10. After, they made me lay there for 15 min. for good luck. Easy peasy!

After 2 very long weeks, I went in for my blood test. Just as I suspected once again, I was not pregnant. During that 2 weeks I was trying to figure out a better way to deal with all of the emotions and frustrations. I found a few books and started reading hoping they could help me make since of everything. The second one I read was called "Infertility: Help, Hope and Healing", by Kerstin Daynes. This was the answer I had been looking for. She has been through the process of infertility and did a lot of soul searching during her treatments. It helped me realize that I'm not going through this to be punished. It has given me some tools to try and look on the bright side of things. I have let this turn me into a bitter and angry person. This is not who I am.

 Infertility is not a "death" sentence. Infertility does not define me. I have to learn how to be me in spite of infertility. I have to learn not to let it consume my life. For once, I have hope. I didn't break down after I got the results that again, I wasn't pregnant. I am learning to live my life again. I am learning that infertility will always be a part of me, a part I want to remember. I have a long way to go to get back to who I was before we started this journey. I know that I can do it. I am exciting to try again next month and hope that we can beat the odds. I am grateful for all of the" tender mercies" Heavenly Father has given me these past few weeks. Here's to turning over a new leaf!