Name Change

Don't worry, I am still here and alive, I think. So far nausea is beating fatigue by a mile. I can no longer swallow any sort of pill with out it coming right back up. Food sucks most of the time, but I'm not complaining. I had my very first ultrasound today, so exciting! Not only did I get to see my babe, I got to see it's brother or sister. That's right folks, we are having TWINS! Shock does not even come close to describing what is going through my mind. Seriously, who decided I could be trusted with not only one, but two babies? Well... both little gummies looked good and healthy. Heart beats were in the high 120's-130's. They each have their own sacks, so fraternal twins it is. Holy crap... I am having twins, that means two little squeeshy beans. I am 6 weeks and 4 days today (well that what babies are measuring), estimated due date is April 16, 2014. I am so excited, and can't wait to see how this goes. Fingers crossed that they both behave and stay put tight until I am ready for them to come out.

The Results are in...

IUI #3 is done, and done. For some reason it felt different than the previous two. I felt every little thing the NP did, and I was actually excited. This last part even shocked me. I haven't felt excited about anything since we started trying 19 months ago, so this my friends was a welcome emotion! I told Adam that this was going to be it, #3 would bring us our miracle.

 About a week after my IUI was done, I started feeling like I was getting the flu, just yucky feeling. I went to visit my sister for a few days and was completely exhausted most of the time. I got home on thursday and decided I would take a preg test just for fun (9 days post ovulation, and 5 days before my scheduled blood test). I stared at that thing for an eternity hoping for something to show up, nothing. I threw it in the trash and started preparing myself for bad news. After an hour I pulled it out and looked again, this time there was a faint positive. I decided to test the next day and see if it was getting lighter or darker. I test the next morning and again, nothing. I check again 30 min later and it was positive again, this time a little darker. I checked the next day and waited the full 3 min and it was a little darker than before. All this time, i kept my little secret to myself. I tested a few days later with a digital and it came up pregnant! I called my Dr. office and moved my blood work appt to that day and waited patiently for the MA to call me with the results. After a few hours the results were in.... PREGNANT! You heard me right, baby in my belly!!!!

Now that I was 100% positive that my eyes weren't fooling me, I needed to tell Adam. He told me earlier that morning that he broke his shaver, in my mind I was already scheming. I bought a new razor and made a card that said "One made it!", on the other side it said "Hi Dad, I can't wait to meet you!". I waited for him to get home and made him go check out the new razor (I had set the card in front of it with the positive test). He just looked at it and said "you're sure?" Funny guy. 

We are both cautiously optimistic at this point. As of today I was 4 weeks and 3 days. I go back to my fertility Dr. Aug 28th (7 weeks) to check for viability. Fingers crossed that my little bean is settling down for the long haul. As of now, I am feeling pretty good. I am tired, have a little bit of insomnia and am crampy, but all is well. I just pray that we can make it to 13 weeks. Until then I think I will be very nervous. 

Miracles happen, and dreams come true!

XOXO

Another Round Bites the Dust

As you can guess from the title of this post, IUI #2 didn't give us our miracle. I didn't have high hopes, no symptoms until 12 days after my IUI. By then I knew it was probably just AF (Aunt Flow) getting ready to make her monthly, unwanted visit. Luckily I had family and my little sisters wedding to keep my mind occupied until the had my HCG test (preg test).
For some reason, hearing the nurse tell me what I already knew threw me for a loop. I have been in the worst funk, probably the worst since starting this journey. Normally I am upset for a day, maybe two, not this time. I was a wreck for over a week. My poor husband had to deal with a wife who couldn't stop crying for an entire week. Thank heaven, he is the world's best husband!
We are just about to do our  3rd and final IUI this next week. I am praying that this is the last time I have to think about infertility. If  my eggs and his sperm can't play nice, then it is IVF for us. Knowing that this is the last shot has given me the worst anxiety. I have been going through my mind all of the possible scenarios that could happen. My biggest fear is that this will put us in an enormous amount of debt, and we will have to live in a cardboard box under the freeway! A little overboard I know, but this type of thing is what keeps me awake at night. I just pray that whatever happens, I will feel at peace with it. Only time will tell, and let me just say that I am over this waiting game.

Here I go again

IUI #2 has come and gone and I'm still alive to talk about it. Just like last time, everything has gone smoothly. I have felt great on the medications and am still feeling positive about things. I went in for my u/s on a fri and the NP thought I may have already ovulated, which would mean I would need to do my IUI that day. She wasn't sure though, it could also be a ruptured cyst. She had me get my blood drawn to check my progesterone levels, and would call me later that day. Well this would be all fine and dandy, except I was working the new 3 days (12 hour shift). Lucky for me I have an amazing friend who was willing to disrupt her whole day and come in for me if I needed her to. Thank heavens my blood work came back fine (actually low) and I didn't need her.
I did my trigger shot Sun. morning (man I hate those), and headed off to work. I went in Mon afternoon and had my IUI done. Just like last time, it was no big deal.  Now comes the dreaded TWW!!! I think it will go by pretty quickly this time. My youngest sister if getting married next week, and I have a ton of family in town to entertain me. I am hoping it'll all work out. Either way, I know my time will come.Until then I have been enjoying every minute I have with my sweet nieces that are on vacation at my house.


XOXO

Turning Over a New Leaf

Today I am singing a completely different tune than I was a few weeks ago. IUI #1 went down without a hitch. I went in on May 26th for my IUI. I was a little nervous even though I was aware of what to expect. I made Adam go into the room with me (he was less than pleased to be there), hoping that would help calm my nerves. It didn't, it actually made them worse. Not only was a worrying about trying to will the impossible to happen, I was also trying to make sure he wasn't weirded out by the whole thing. I expecting one of the nurse practitioners to preform the IUI, but it was actually one of the other Dr. That made me feel a little better for come reason (the NP's have all been really knowledgeable about everything when I have seen them, so I don't know why I was nervous).  The actual IUI wasn't any worse than a pap smear. Once the speculum was placed, I didn't even feel a thing. It was done before I could count to 10. After, they made me lay there for 15 min. for good luck. Easy peasy!

After 2 very long weeks, I went in for my blood test. Just as I suspected once again, I was not pregnant. During that 2 weeks I was trying to figure out a better way to deal with all of the emotions and frustrations. I found a few books and started reading hoping they could help me make since of everything. The second one I read was called "Infertility: Help, Hope and Healing", by Kerstin Daynes. This was the answer I had been looking for. She has been through the process of infertility and did a lot of soul searching during her treatments. It helped me realize that I'm not going through this to be punished. It has given me some tools to try and look on the bright side of things. I have let this turn me into a bitter and angry person. This is not who I am.

 Infertility is not a "death" sentence. Infertility does not define me. I have to learn how to be me in spite of infertility. I have to learn not to let it consume my life. For once, I have hope. I didn't break down after I got the results that again, I wasn't pregnant. I am learning to live my life again. I am learning that infertility will always be a part of me, a part I want to remember. I have a long way to go to get back to who I was before we started this journey. I know that I can do it. I am exciting to try again next month and hope that we can beat the odds. I am grateful for all of the" tender mercies" Heavenly Father has given me these past few weeks. Here's to turning over a new leaf!  

Disappointment

Warning.... This is a jumble of thought and emotions that probably doesn't make since to anyone but me. Read on if you feel like you can crack crazy code.
Disappointing is the only way to describe today! Back the train up a few weeks... I went in to have a follow up with my Dr. after our failed attempt last month. Just as I suspected she said we need to move on to IUI (intrauterine insemination). I was expecting that and it was what I was ready to do. I had my baseline ultrasound and everything looked great. She started me on a new rx (Femera) that would hopefully have less side effects.  Fast forward... I've had next to zero side effects from the medication.  I have felt almost normal for the past month!The plan was to go in for an ultrasound (u/s) today and hopefully IUI sat or sunday. I went in for my follicle scan today, they are not even close to mature. My Dr. put me on a higher dose of the medication for the next 5 days, then back again next friday for another u/s.
I was also so excited to start our new insurance last month, because they cover diagnostic u/s which would save us a bundle each month. Well, because of the code the Dr. uses, my insurance won't cover them. I am not too surprised, just disappointed.
Going through the journey of infertility is a roller coaster ride to say the least. I have learned that it's ok to be mad, frustrated, happy, annoyed, indifferent and everything in between. It's ok to hate everyone around you that seems to get pregnant without even trying, as long as you realize that it's not their fault. Your time will come, and you will be just as annoying as all of those women you despise some days. Infertility tests your patience, endurance, emotions and even your insanity. Some days I even wonder if it is all worth it? Is is worth the stress, tears and heartbreak? Then a new day comes and think, of course it is! Every stress and disappointment only means that my joy will be so much greater than everything I've had to endure.
 Disappointment is really the only way to describe how I feel today. I just have to remind myself that we still have a shot at this. Tomorrow is a new day, but today, I am just going feel the way I feel.

Round 3

Well, just as I suspected round 3 was a bust. Follicles looked good, did my trigger shot and surprisingly I have felt really good for the last 2 weeks. I had my blood test and Friday and just knew it would be neg. I have an appointment Wed to meet with my Dr. and figure out what the next step is. I am wanting to move onto IUI and hopefully this will be our magic cure.
On a good note, my amazing husband just graduated from the University of Utah with his Masters degree Friday. He is awesome and does so much for me! Having something to celebrate made my test results seem a little less daunting. Now I am just waiting for AF to show her ugly head so we can continue on this crazy journey. I'm sure I'll have an update in a few days. Until next time...